Being Happy

By using this website you accept the Disclaimers.

Go Back to Table of Contents



The pursuit of happiness is protected by the US Constitution as an unalienable right. In the movie Short Circuit, the scientist says that “robots cannot be happy; they cannot be sad; they just run programs.” Happiness is an emotion, a sense of well-being, that ranges from contentment to ecstatic joy. But happiness is subjective, tempered by our view of life, which varies from person to person. Yet, detailed studies find shared characteristics, attributes, and circumstances among happy people. Physical responses and endorphins are byproduct re-actions. That is about the closest anybody can come to a definition.

Consolation is not true happiness....I am happy that
 * a family member won (since I did not)
 * you were accepted into the university (despite that I was not).

But consolation (resolving a problem) does help a person return to happiness.

Money and possessions will bring happiness to those who lack, but once that lack is ameliorated (fixed), more money and/or possessions does not increase happiness.

Repeated studies find that happy people have some shared traits and attributes. That is the focus of this article. Once a person understands what brings true happiness, then he/she can pursue it.

Shared characteristics:

Caring for Others:
Generosity and charity (acts of kindness) are part of the happiness equation. It is easily fulfilled by caring for family members, helping friends, having a pet, donating (money and resources) to good causes, and volunteering (donating time and energy). It does not matter so much who the others are as long as there are others. Human are social creatures who need to do acts of kindness.


 * loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke,
 * set the oppressed free and break every yoke
 * share your food with the hungry and provide the poor wanderer with shelter
 * when you see the naked, clothe him,
 * and do not turn away from your own flesh and blood (your own family).
 * (Isaiah 58)

The last line of the above quote is very important. Each morning, millions of mothers “feed the hungry and clothes the naked." People laugh and discount this form of charity, but charity has a hierarchy.  Start with yourself.  Caring for yourself is not selfish.  See: 51% selfish Toxic_Environments.  Give yourself proper food, clothing, shelter, and safety.  Then, do the same for the members of your family.

Many people and families ignore safety. set the oppressed free and break every yoke No parent should batter (physically or emotionally) the other parent or the children. Many parents allow children to bully others. One such parent said, "Children need to work their problems out among themselves." That parent allowed the older children to batter the younger children. Home should be a place of safety. Parents (and society) must establish and enforce rules that create safety. Caring for others includes providing a safe environment. Once you have taken care of yourself and your family, then take care of your extended family, next comes the neighbors, the people on your street, your community, your city, your state, your country, and finally to the world.

Rarely would anybody go beyond their own community. Donate books to your local library. Help create after school programs. Get involved with the different community services. All of these indirect or directly impact your own family.

In summation, if you are normally are a giver, you have to learn to accept and receive. Balance is necessary for long term happiness. Also, when you refuse gifts and acts of kindness then, the person giving you the gift (or whatever) does not get the satisfaction of gifting. Conversely, if you are normally a taker, you have to learn to give (49% of the time). Just as givers need to seek balance so do takers. You will be happier in the long run. You need to learn how to give because otherwise you become a black hole that sucks up everything. People won't want to be around you because you are always taking. It is OK to take when the opportunity presents itself but you should not seek it out. Don't continue to take from the same sources. Always show appreciation (gratitude). 26Blue coined the term 51% selfish, which implies a balance between giving and taking. Pepple who give too much need that term, 51% selfish, so they know to limit how much they give. People who take too much need that term, 51% selfish, so they know to limit how much they take.

But we need to leave a word of causion:


 * Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
 * For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
 * And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
 * This above all: to thine own self be true,
 * And it must follow, as the night the day,
 * Thou canst not then be false to any man.
 * (Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act I, Scene 3)


 * Charity begins at home, and justice begins next door.
 * (Charles Dickens, Martin Chuzzlewit, ch. 27)

( Matthew 25)
 * ...ten maidens took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish and five were wise. The foolish ones took their lamps but did not take any (extra) oil with them. The wise, however, took oil in jars along with their lamps. The bridegroom was a long time in coming, and they all became drowsy and fell asleep. At midnight the cry rang out: ‘Here’s the bridegroom! Come out to meet him! Then all the maidens woke up and trimmed their lamps. The foolish ones said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil; our lamps are going out. ‘No,’ they replied, ‘there may not be enough for both us and you. Instead, go to those who sell oil and buy some for yourselves.’

These quotes seem to imply the opposite of charity, (selfish and unsharing) but acts of kindness can twist into something bad. Lending and Giving should not exceed your ability, physically and mentally. Only lend or give something you can afford to go without. Will you be OK if that item is stolen or destroyed (like an accident)? If you have insurance, it might be a small risk you can endure, but when charity or care giving is a life altering risk, then DON'T do it. Don't loan your car if you cannot do without it.

False charity is not a virtue; get your values in order.

First generation wealthy have to learn how to manage their generosity because their entire fortune will not and cannot solve the problems of the world. The American wealthy have an overflowing history of benevolence because they plan and budget their finances and their time. Every person should budget, plan and schedule “caring for others.” That way you know how much charity you can afford to give and to whom. When others try to shame you into giving more, you will have the strength to say, "No."

True story: There was a charity benefit. One of the large donars was not going to attend. When asked why? This very wealthy couple said that they could not afford the price of the tickets (only $35 each). Their financial budget had hit its charity limit. This couple gave huge amounts of time and money, but they also knew when to stop. Those who don't budget and plan, don't know when to stop. Once you have a budget and plan, don't violate it; Stop giving. Those who lack a budget or a plan (and those who violate their budget and plan), end up sorry and unhappy.

True story: a rich man who constantly gave to the poor was asked to help a needy family. He gladly took out his checkbook asking, "Who do I make it out to?" The answer was "Your brother." This rich man did not know what was happening in his own extended family. He gave to strangers what his own family needed. Likewise, don't give away your time that should be used on yourself or your family. Get your values straight.

Gold diggers (extreme takers) are constantly on the prowl for generous givers who have not learned to limit their giving. They start with something that they could easily do for themselves but is not difficult or that much out of the way for you. If you tell them to do it for themselves, they will move onto the next victim. If you do it for them, they will praise your actions and start trying to get you to do more and more for them. The gold digger intrudes into more and more of your life. You think they are being your friend, but they are sucking up everything they can from you. They push to the max and when you object, they appologize and acts as if they are sorry. Their contrite behavior change is only temporary. Then they go back to pushing the limits, over and over. Ultimately, you give them more than you would ever have dreamed possible.

Relationships
Shifting the topic from charity to relationships. All relationships need to be balanced: the give and take should be nearly equal. Never loan (or give anything more) if there has not been a return. The return does not have to equal what you gave, it could be as simple as a cup of coffee or a cupcake. But there is a return, some form of reciprocity. Similar to charity, limit what you give (or lend) to what you can afford to lose. Don't loan your car if you cannot do without it. Accidents happen.

If you have ever watched the small claims court cases on television, the judge asks,
 * "If you were not repaid for a previous loan, why did you loan more money?"
 * "Why didn't you write down your agreement? That way you don't have to rely on your memory because your friend remembers it differently than you."
 * When somebody gets angry, you know that an expectation was not met. But was that expection known or understood?
 * Children need to know the rules. Don't leave things arbetrary; one day it is OK but the next day it is not.  One day punishment is severe but the next day lenient.

Time, money, resources, and energy all have a budget. Schedule time for yourself, your family, significant other, parents, etc. If your family (or somebody else) complains that you don't spend time with them (or some other resource), check your budget. Your giving should match your values. To be happy, you need to care for others, but control the situation. Know when to stop, and say "NO." Know when to acknowledge your own lack, "You are right; I need to spend more time with you." Then adjust your plans, schedules, and budgets accordingly. This will bring you happiness.

Close Friends
The happiest people have one or more friends. Acquaintances are not real friends; they are people you know. Friendships develop from proximity (neighbors, classmates, collegues, clubs, organizations, groups), repeatedly encountering the person informally (such as around a particular interest, favorite coffee shop, common sport or other activity) ; people seek out each other because they share common interests (meetup boards such as baseball teams, bridge clubs, hiking groups). You meet people via proximity and become friends due to common interests. A true friend become like family and vice versa.

If you have no friends, then it is OK to buy friends. That might sound weird, but it is not. If you like sports and you have one of those large screens, you could invite people who also like sports. Just from getting to know each other, a friendship might develop. [The Mayo clinic says: friendships]
 * Increase your sense of belonging and purpose
 * Boost your happiness
 * Reduce stress
 * Improve your self-worth
 * Help you cope with traumas, such as divorce, serious illness, job loss or the death of a loved one *Encourage you to change or avoid unhealthy lifestyle habits, such as excessive drinking.
 * (Mayo Clinic website)


 * If you go looking for a friend, you’re going to find they’re very scarce.
 * If you go out to be a friend, you’ll find them everywhere.
 * Quoted from The Power of Respect: Benefit from the Most Forgotten Element of Success (2009) by Deborah Norville, p. 65

Exercise
This is already covered on the exercise page.

Flow
Fun activities or hobbies: painting, music, bridge club, dancing, astronomy, camping, playing sports, community theater, etc. Gives an engaging emotional outlet, an escape from daily life, a distraction from personal problems. Provides creative time, relaxation time, quiet time, or personal time, express talents, stress reduction, personal fulfillment. When people are in flow, they usually lose track of time and enters an alternate reality. The runners high is an example of flo.

[Ted talk on flo]

Forward Planning
The brain's frontal lobe allows humans to imagine the future, plan, seat of anxiety. Meditation stops the frontal lobe thinking process....clears the mind. Looking forward to a good event is pleasurable Looking forward to a dreadful event is agonizing.

Perceived control makes a person happier and live longer Lack of control makes a person unhappy

Forward planning makes a person feel in control of his fate.

The Twilight Zone (TV) had an episode where a biker was stuck in a room with two old people showing slides, and talking about their vacation. The biker knows that he is in hell. Then the devil tells him that for every room down here there is an identical one up there. Hell for you is heaven for another person.

Optimist (not Pessimist)
Do we manifest our futures or live self-fulfilling prophecies? Read the last question again. The two parts of the question are identical ideas, but one is written in a positive manner while the second is in a negative manner. From that question, you can understand that attitude affects perception.

Is the glass half full or half empty? Psychologists and life coaches agree that our view of life affects how we respond to life events. Do we appreciate what we have or mourn what we are missing?

One psychologist tried to get his patient to understand the difference between optimism and pessimism. People that complain about the hole in the middle of the donut are missing the fact that they have a donut. The patient responded, "I am not complaining about the hole in the donut. I am complaining about the frosting that I ought to have."

Each Friday morning, the principal of private school gave a short moral speech to his students. He said: Today is payday for the school employees. Two weeks ago, I did not have enough money for today's payroll. Two days ago, the school received unexpected money. Yesterday, the office prepared the paychecks. Today, we have happy employees. Easily, I could have worried myself sick over the situation. When a person imagines a negative situation, the body reacts as if the situation is happening now. Had I done that, all that negative energy would have affected myself, my family, my students and staff, and possibly their families as well (for those two weeks). Yet, here we stand, and all is well. My lesson for today: do not mentally cross bridges before you have physically arrived at them.

Optimists are healthier than pessimists.

Happy people usually have an optimistic view of life.


 * Expect the best. Prepare for the worst. Capitalize on what comes.
 * Quoted from Trigger Events – How To Find Your Next Customer (2007) by Alen Majer, p. 22

[Online optimist test.]

Religious/spiritual
Religion has rules that lessens unhappiness, promote happiness, and keep the family and society stable. These rules have evolved over thousands of years, trial and error. When society begins to break those rules, they ultimately return to them because that is what works.

President Clinton wondered why people become poor. He set a committe to find out. They said that they did not want to sound religious but having children prior to marriage (boys or girls) greatly increases the probabilty of poverty and decreases the probability of success. They created a success formula (which must be done in this order): 1. finish school, 2. get married, 3. have children. Those who follow that order have an 80% chance of never being poor even one day. Success increases the likelihood of being happy; poverty increaes the likelihood of being unhappy.

A poverty of any community reflects its level of unwed mothers. Let us create a senario: If 50% of the children are born out-of-wedlock, the community poverty rate will be 80% of 50% (.8 times .5) which is 40%. Likewise, unwed mothers impoverish families. Adult children that cannot support themselves drain the extended families' resources. The exact reverse is also true. Children that complete their education, get married, and then have children will have an 80% probability of financial success. Those adult children bring resources to the extended family. When their parents are old, those adult children have the means to help their parents. This is the reason that religions tell parents to educate their children, keep them pure until marriage, and only have children inside a religious marriage. The method works whether you agree with the religion or not.

When people have religious values, they miss many pitfalls and unhappy situations.

Be yourself.
People are so eager to fit in that they change into be somebody that they are not. Those people end up unhappy and those around them become unhappy. Everybody has that one ex-boy (gfirl) friend where they changed to fit that person and then both became unhappy.

People will change without realizing that they are changing.

For example, one lady wanted to know a particular man and started jogging with him daily and for miles and miles. Once the married, the man said, "Let's go jogging." She did not like jogging and felt like, "Are you crazy? Why would I want to do that?" The man continued to want her to go jogging with him. He got ripped off (cheated out of what he considered part of the relationship). Ultimately, they both ended up unhappy because it was built on a falsehood. She did not mean to be dishonest; she went jogging only so she could get to know him. She never told him that she did not like jogging. Her change was not true to herself and it hurt both of them.

Another example, a man enjoyed going out to the bar, five night a week. When he got into a serious relationship, over time he went less and less to the bar. His new relationship diverted his attention to her. He changed his normal behavior and stayed home with her. After they married, he became restless and unhappy. She did not understand what was wrong. She would have never knowingly chosen a man who spent so much time at the bar. His change was not true to himself and it hurt both of them.

Some people lie to get what they want and don't care how it affects others.

For example, a man like this lady who was a extremely liberal. He tended to be conservative, but pretended to be as liberal as her. After they married, he told her that he only pretended so he could marry her. She tried to hang into the marriage, but their life values were too different. In his case, it was a big lie. It hurt both of them.

People need to embrace themselves. There are people who will value you as you are. If you like sports, there are people that will fit in with you. If you don't like sports, there are people that will fit in with you also. If you have a bubbly personality, there are people that like to be around bubbly people. That goes for sarcastic, or whatever personality trait you have. Read: toxic envrionments.

Summary

 * 1. Caring for Others
 * 2. Have Close Friends
 * 3. Exercise
 * 4. Flo
 * 5. Forward planning
 * 6. Optimist
 * 7. Be Religious or spiritual
 * 8. Be yourself.

Outside Website
Self-actualize principals help a person to be happy, but that is not its goal.

Abraham Maslow's 8 Ways to Self-Actualize

8 Ways to Self-Actualize

Prescription for life: Healthy Diet, Strong Immune System, Hygiene/Cleanliness, Exercise, Emotional Balance, Restorative Sleep, Eliminate Negative Behaviors.

Go Back to Table of Contents {| border="1" cellpadding="1" !width="190"|Kitchen Cures !width="190"|Super Foods !width="190"|Herbs as Tonics !width="190"|Supplements for Nutrition !width="190"|Remedies that Build Health